Sure is Dark in Here

Goodness sakes alive, as my great grandmother used to say. You'll notice that you only really hear from me in times that I am in emotional distress of some sort. The writing makes me feel better. At least I don't have to hold it in. A couple of weeks ago, Floetry released their third album, Flo'Ology. Track 9 is called I'll Die. In the song, they talk about how if they stay {in this relationship} they'll die, even though they love the other person so much and they did give it a real try. Love isn't enough. People can suffocate you without meaning to, drown you with all kinda of emotional bullshit. I think it's over now. "If i stay right here, i'll die inside, ran out of tears, i can barely get by..." The truth is, I don't know what I'm doing. The ripe old age of 30 is approaching at warp speed. And I'm like...not living, life is passing me by. I dont even know what I want to do. That's not altogether true. I do know what I want to do, but not how it will happen. I know who I want to be with -- correction, I know who my heart loves at this particular point in time. I forgot to tell you, one of the questions that I asked was, did he think we would still be doing this in ten years. He said no. That I'd probably be married and he'd probably be divorced. I know he was sorta just kidding around, but it sounded kinda like he meant it, so I said, "I'll probably be married to YOU." My God. What are we doing? It's not right to do something because you WANT to do it, just so you can be happy. It's not right when you have invested so much of yourself into something, into someone, and then decide that instead of just leaving them because you know in your heart its not what you want anymore, you cheat. Not speaking just for him, speaking of me too. I know that I don't want to be with FB, in fact, I get sick sometimes when he touches me. How is it that just earlier this year, I was able to find that old loving feeling from 1998, for just a moment? I was able to look at him again and smile. I was able to forget all the shit he put me through. Shit, I've forgotten most of it anyway - for a full recount, I just have to ask my best friend and sisters and mother and daughter. I feel utterly...lost. My heart belongs to FMB, totally...completely. He tells me that I mean so much to him...that I have no idea how important I am to him...How much he loves me. And then, turns cold on me. On the one hand, the fact that she is depressed is very serious. On the other hand, I can't help but feel its just a ploy to make him feel so guilty about what he's done that he gives me up, for real this time. Isn't that a horrible thing to say? I'm only human...a woman. I know the game. I know what it's like to feel like the lowest form of toilet resin because of a man, yet we still feel the need to one-up the next broad. We give them too much power. I'm desperate to find out what's happened, what the scoop is...what his intentions are. At least this time, I know that this was totally NOT my fault. I did nothing to encourage trouble. Instead, I'm sitting here in the dark. Not a fuckin' CLUE. Tomorrow is Turkey Day. Do i send an email to wish him a Happy one? I think not. I'm so scared. What if he decides he doesnt even want to be friends anymore? I'll Die.