He Loves Me...

Okay so...how do I catch you up on everything from the last three weeks? The first thing that I wanted to get down "on paper" was something that he said to me last week. And so we were talking to each other about love and that mess, and he was saying that he didn't love me as a friend, so we can't really use that word when referring to each other. This was last Tuesday, for reference. Okay, so, I was like well how DO you love me then? Do tell. He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, "Like...like a...a soulmate." Silence from me. My heart, it paused for a moment, wondering if it heard correctly. ALl I could say, when he said, "Hello?" was, "I'm here, I'm still here...you just said something that I never imagined I would hear from you. I'm just...digesting that." I mean...I didn't want to read into it too much. But there is no reading into something like that, is there? So fast forward to this past Wednesday. (And let me mention that he worked on Tuesday and I stayed home with the kid, and we talked for quite a long time, like old times.) So we're just talking about everything in depth and one of the things that comes up is that he feels as though I do not treat him as someone that I love. I treat him as a buddy and he doesn't like that feeling. The next thing I know I'm telling him that I hold back on a lot of things because I don't know how he really feels about me anymore. He wants to know what I'm talking about. I said, you don't even know if you're in love with me anymore, so I dont see any reason to do certain things, that is to say, i dont feel as comfortable doing them. There is that pause. I'm thinking, PLEASE baby tell me what I need to hear, tell me what I already know in my heart to be true. He starts telling me, you know how you know something, but you figure if you don't SAY it, it won't make it true, wont make it something that you have to face. So I wait. And he says, "I KNOW that I'm still in love with you--" and there was more after that but I just couldn't breathe. I was on my way back from getting my nails done, I was down by McDonald's somewhere I think - I just wanted to get out and holler. So, there, I have that out of the way. We've also discussed how we've both built protective walls around our hearts but neither of us are able to resist the advances of the other. I keep trying to make sense of WHY he continues this thing with me. And it's because he wants to. He equates it, if I'm gonna go to hell, let me put on my own gasoline drawz. He says that he is going to do what makes HIM happy and he's not going to let someone (her) tell him what he can and cannot do. If she finds out that he is still talking to me, then that would be the same as finding out that he is intimate with me too. So he's rolling the dice at his own risk, and I will not do anything to make her any wiser. AS far as she is concerned I am out of the picture. I like it that way. It's enough for me that I shook her up. Oh damn did i tell you that when we went out, when i was out there visiting, that I asked again if he was happy, and he said he would say that he was "content" but that being content wouldnt last forever. We were sitting in front of his job that time. I am constantly amazed by this. I interpret things in the back of my head without meaning to. Honestly, let me be frank here for a second. I believe that I might actually stand a chance at having a full time relationship with him when a few things happen. The very first thing, is his son coming of age. Second, I, at some point need to be back in the area, making myself more visible to him. I am not going to be able to do that for a while, but thats okay, due to reason number one. Three, I hope she does catch him, on her own this time, and that the evidence cannot be disputed. Four - I retract three. I dont want her to catch him with me...in fact, I just want him to be happy. So, if they work out, they work out. If they don't then he knows there's always me. Goodness...I'll probably read this sometime from now and realize I'm sick. Basically, nothing really new has happened. We are still living the relationship that we always have, except we do not talk on the phone as much as we used to because I no longer have his cell phone number. He calls me from home a couple times a week on my cell phone, to which only he and one other person have the number. Over the last few days, we've been naked on cam - I haven't even been drinking, once I heard that he's still in love with me, and after telling me how beautiful I am, even with my weight gain over the last year, I just feel...better. Though I should feel worse!!! Moving along...my oldest daughter turned 12. We had to have talk about sex and whether or not i need to get her put on BC. I dont want no grandbabies just yet. I'm not even 30 yet. She's talking to some boy that's two years and two grade ahead of her...in HS...makes me uncomfy. Speaking of...it's almost time for me to pick her up from the school dance. I'll try to come back later.