Hello, September!
Horoscope for today: Restlessness is replaced by a desire for genuine harmony. Kiss and make up while you can. Demonstrations of loyalty will help create an atmosphere of tolerance that soothes ruffled feathers. Yesterday, 9/1/05: When love calls, resistance is futile. If an apology is necessary, make it under these stars and you can mend even fences that have been badly damaged. Luxury items bought now will last.
Right now I'm watching Judge Mathis. It is a welcome break from the continuous heart-breaking footage pouring in on CNN from New Orleans. And to think I was just there a few short months ago. Husbands separated from their wives, mothers separated from their [newborn] babies and young children, babies with no pampers or milk--people looting, shooting, raping. It's utter chaos. Compared to this, my life is perfect. I thank you, God.
That being said, much has happened since the last post. The lil ogre is gone, but no one has talked to him since because the home phone is disconnected out there. I assume he's okay, but I'm glad he's gone. He was ready to leave.
Conversations between myself and FMB have continued; there is no real sense of direction here. We don't know what we're doing. Just trying to be friends with each other, watching each other's faces on our webcams, reminiscing about the old days when we still happy (yet living life WAY wrong). I have my yahoo archives open too. On this computer it only goes as far back as June 19, 2004, because my computer crashed around that time last year. I have some stuff backed up from 2002 - 2003 on the laptop though. So when I get a chance I'll see if I can find it. I want to remember what it was like to talk to him non-stop for hours about nothing and everything. Cuz we sure don't do that anymore. I've had a couple of slip-ups too, messing around with that cam. I mean I didn't do much, but he sure gets busy. It's a lovely site to see, trust that. Some things have been established, though. He is no longer sure if he is in-love with me anymore and wonders how I could be in-love with him if I could do something like that to him. I can feel him on that, and so I wonder too. But deep down, I know I'm still in-love...I was just feeling deeply hurt and evil and resentful at the time. The ones that love you the most, hurt you the most? Ain't that a bitch. If I could take it back...I think I would. Also, he doesn't think things are going to work out there; he even went so far as to start looking for somewhere else to live. He told me this on Tuesday morning. If that happens...OMG - he's really gonna hate me then. So I dont know whether to be happy about that or not...actually I do know. I'm NOT happy about that. Because that is not something that he wants for himself and he would not be happy. I want him to be happy. Not only that, should they break things all the way off and get un-hitched, I'm no longer there to "fall back on". He'll get lonely...and then someone new will come into the picture. I can't deal with that. I also confessed a part of my bi-experience. He was not mad that it happened; he was mad that I didn't feel that I could share that with him when it happened and that I lied to his face when he asked me about it. For that I did sincerely apologize; but I could hardly admit it to him when I could barely admit it to myself. And he still dont have the full picture - and I'll never give it to him. He has enough info. Plenty. And I didnt even tell HER that I told him...have to get around to that one day LOL. At this point, not only does he not trust me...my word don't carry much weight anymore. I used to be one of the two people in the world that he trusted the most - and I shattered that...neither of us know if I can get that back again. I hope so. I pray so. I just kinda said, I hoped that he could appreciate what it was like to be dishonest with someone you care about - ahem, ahem, you know, since he's a lying git. Er...right. But I digress....It will be quite some time before we hear each other's voices again, too. We both feel that would be a huge step. I mean I want to hear his voice very much, but he says that if he hears mine, he'd melt. I've been digging thru emails and IMs trying to find the exact verbatim but haven't been successful yet...but I will. He blows me kisses when he signs off of IM and the cam, tells me he misses me, but no L word. There will be none of that for a while, I know...even though I done let it slip a couple times. I asked him if I should tell him that I was in out there when I do come out for a visit. He said no. He would want to know, yes, but since he doesn't know who's fuckin' with his life he doesnt want to risk it. Pfft. I'm telling his ass anyway when I come. I don't have his cell phone number anymore, but I will sho call his ass at work...believe THAT. I want him to see me, I want to see him - I want to see if he will look at me the same. I asked my bestest friend why is it that he still so drawn to me even though I did what I did. They are of the same astrological sign. She predicts the shit he does all the time. It's hella funny. She told me she thinks he is still in love with me. The more I hurt him, the more drawn he is. Thats awful!!! I don't want to hurt him again. He has a good heart. He does. So here we are, just keeping in touch on email and IM. We keep each other at bay by not talking over the phone. But we both know that we will see each other again...talk to each other again....do other things to each other again...*sigh* - I got this shit bad!!! I won't be talking to him again until next week; if I am lucky I'll get an email from him over the weekend.
Moving along...the kids are finishing their first week of school. I'm awful proud of my lil one - she's having a hard time making the transition from Pre-K to actual K - a big kid now! She'll get the hang of it though.
Winding down a bit now...I started to say some other stuff, but quit. Since today is Friday, I may not post again until Monday. I'm still pissed about the searchable factor...I'm thinking of creating a new name and moving this blog to that one so no one would EVER find it.
Hello, September! The year is 2/3 over and a new start in sight!!!!
Right now I'm watching Judge Mathis. It is a welcome break from the continuous heart-breaking footage pouring in on CNN from New Orleans. And to think I was just there a few short months ago. Husbands separated from their wives, mothers separated from their [newborn] babies and young children, babies with no pampers or milk--people looting, shooting, raping. It's utter chaos. Compared to this, my life is perfect. I thank you, God.
That being said, much has happened since the last post. The lil ogre is gone, but no one has talked to him since because the home phone is disconnected out there. I assume he's okay, but I'm glad he's gone. He was ready to leave.
Conversations between myself and FMB have continued; there is no real sense of direction here. We don't know what we're doing. Just trying to be friends with each other, watching each other's faces on our webcams, reminiscing about the old days when we still happy (yet living life WAY wrong). I have my yahoo archives open too. On this computer it only goes as far back as June 19, 2004, because my computer crashed around that time last year. I have some stuff backed up from 2002 - 2003 on the laptop though. So when I get a chance I'll see if I can find it. I want to remember what it was like to talk to him non-stop for hours about nothing and everything. Cuz we sure don't do that anymore. I've had a couple of slip-ups too, messing around with that cam. I mean I didn't do much, but he sure gets busy. It's a lovely site to see, trust that. Some things have been established, though. He is no longer sure if he is in-love with me anymore and wonders how I could be in-love with him if I could do something like that to him. I can feel him on that, and so I wonder too. But deep down, I know I'm still in-love...I was just feeling deeply hurt and evil and resentful at the time. The ones that love you the most, hurt you the most? Ain't that a bitch. If I could take it back...I think I would. Also, he doesn't think things are going to work out there; he even went so far as to start looking for somewhere else to live. He told me this on Tuesday morning. If that happens...OMG - he's really gonna hate me then. So I dont know whether to be happy about that or not...actually I do know. I'm NOT happy about that. Because that is not something that he wants for himself and he would not be happy. I want him to be happy. Not only that, should they break things all the way off and get un-hitched, I'm no longer there to "fall back on". He'll get lonely...and then someone new will come into the picture. I can't deal with that. I also confessed a part of my bi-experience. He was not mad that it happened; he was mad that I didn't feel that I could share that with him when it happened and that I lied to his face when he asked me about it. For that I did sincerely apologize; but I could hardly admit it to him when I could barely admit it to myself. And he still dont have the full picture - and I'll never give it to him. He has enough info. Plenty. And I didnt even tell HER that I told him...have to get around to that one day LOL. At this point, not only does he not trust me...my word don't carry much weight anymore. I used to be one of the two people in the world that he trusted the most - and I shattered that...neither of us know if I can get that back again. I hope so. I pray so. I just kinda said, I hoped that he could appreciate what it was like to be dishonest with someone you care about - ahem, ahem, you know, since he's a lying git. Er...right. But I digress....It will be quite some time before we hear each other's voices again, too. We both feel that would be a huge step. I mean I want to hear his voice very much, but he says that if he hears mine, he'd melt. I've been digging thru emails and IMs trying to find the exact verbatim but haven't been successful yet...but I will. He blows me kisses when he signs off of IM and the cam, tells me he misses me, but no L word. There will be none of that for a while, I know...even though I done let it slip a couple times. I asked him if I should tell him that I was in out there when I do come out for a visit. He said no. He would want to know, yes, but since he doesn't know who's fuckin' with his life he doesnt want to risk it. Pfft. I'm telling his ass anyway when I come. I don't have his cell phone number anymore, but I will sho call his ass at work...believe THAT. I want him to see me, I want to see him - I want to see if he will look at me the same. I asked my bestest friend why is it that he still so drawn to me even though I did what I did. They are of the same astrological sign. She predicts the shit he does all the time. It's hella funny. She told me she thinks he is still in love with me. The more I hurt him, the more drawn he is. Thats awful!!! I don't want to hurt him again. He has a good heart. He does. So here we are, just keeping in touch on email and IM. We keep each other at bay by not talking over the phone. But we both know that we will see each other again...talk to each other again....do other things to each other again...*sigh* - I got this shit bad!!! I won't be talking to him again until next week; if I am lucky I'll get an email from him over the weekend.
Moving along...the kids are finishing their first week of school. I'm awful proud of my lil one - she's having a hard time making the transition from Pre-K to actual K - a big kid now! She'll get the hang of it though.
Winding down a bit now...I started to say some other stuff, but quit. Since today is Friday, I may not post again until Monday. I'm still pissed about the searchable factor...I'm thinking of creating a new name and moving this blog to that one so no one would EVER find it.
Hello, September! The year is 2/3 over and a new start in sight!!!!
posted by pennlove149 at 9:15 AM
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