Checking In/The Wall

I’m really so tired and my head hurts too.  It is now Thursday, September 29, 2005.  It’s almost 2am.  I can’t remember when I wrote last.  Monday I got toe the fuck up.  Still feelin’ sick offa that E&J.  It rained.  I stayed in, drank and argued with whoever I could find, LOL.  Then…Tuesday, I went and picked up three tunics from Ashley Stewart – but they don’t fit the way I thought they would so I’ll prolly take 'em back.  To bad too cuz they were on sale.  I came back, bathed, washed my hair, straightened it and drove down into the city arriving at FMB’s job at about 1am.  I only stayed 'til a lil after 2 cuz I was back here at like 245.  We went back into a lil room…did the oral thing.  He got called away for a few minutes, so I waited for him to come back…but the mood was broken.  We talked for a bit…it felt so good to be sitting down there with him like I used to.  Even seen a rat outside, running the street near the dumpster.  Just like old times.  Wednesday, I broke for lunch at around 1 and he came up to see me…I was gone for over 2 hours.  We started to go to sleep at first, but our bodies were too close together and before I knew it, it was on.  I love this man.  I don’t understand why we can’t break off the sexual element of our relationship. I don’t understand how come I have to keep being a damn sidepiece.  JEEZUZ.  But I’m not willing to give it up.  I’m an asshole!!!  He told me that he’d built this great big wall up after the incident.  And that I had already knocked a big hole in it.  I want to knock his wall down.  Why, he wants to know?  That’s a good question.  That wall is there to protect us.  I don’t know.  He loves me…I know he does, even though he can hardly bring himself to say it anymore.  Says the in-love part might not be there anymore, but believes it will come back as part of the rebuilding process.  I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing, why the fuck we’re doing it, and when the fuck it will ever end.  He thinks the 5 year plan is in progress.  We will discuss that later.  *rolling eyes*

 

The kids are doing well…actually all three of them have been a lil sickly since I’ve been gone and I miss 'em.  I’m tired, and I’m going to lay down and read another chapter of Vittorio (Anne Rice).  I can’t believe the kids got their heads chopped off like that.  *smh*

 

G’nite.