Respect & Fear

So I was sitting here, minding mine, right...straight 10-2. (That means tend-to, as in yo business.) Being that me and the married man met online, it's only natural that I'm gonna come across him online every now and then. But that dont mean we gone speak. And THAT don't mean that we aren't dying to speak to each for a multitude of reasons. Let me break my main two reasons down now. Numero Uno - I respect the fact that I did something monumentally disastrous to our relationship and to the relationship of him and his wife. I respect the fact (NOW) that they took vows, so they need to work this shit out, without further interference on my part. I respect the fact that he has a child to think about and they both come first. Numero Dos - I'm scared to death to even try. I fear what he might say to me. I fear finding out what the consequences of my phone call to her were. Most of all, I fear that any attempt at contact would go unanswered. Aside from that - what the hell would be the reason for contacting him? Am I trying to patch things up? Do I want to apologize? What the hell am I sorry for? I dug around thru my emails and I found that email entry that should be keeping my ass from doing anything other than giving his ass the middle finger. My question was: If she and I were hanging off of a cliff, each holding onto a rope you were pulling - which one would you let go of because you were only strong enough to pull one of us up? Or would you take a chance on pulling us both up, knowing that if you failed, we'd both fall? Translation: If you had to choose, who would it be and if you had the option of trying to keep both, would you? The answer to my question was: I would try to pull both of you up, but I think you really know if it came down to it, i would have to try to pull her up.........SORRY......... Translation: Of course I'ma try to keep having all this cake and eating it too. But if I can't have her piece of cake, then I'ma have to drop yours offa the side of this cliff and let it bust into pieces on the rocks. Now don't get me wrong. *sigh* Wife comes first - and that is as it should be!! Sorta. I mean wife shouldn't just come first, she should come ONLY...first, last and everything. I don't contact him out of respect for her, that I obviously didn't have before, and respect for myself. I should hold myself in higher regard than I have been. I'm above this shit - I should have never gotten into this sitcheeashun in the first place. I don't contact him because I fear falling into the same situation I just scraped myself out of. I really can't wait until some more time goes by and I don't feel this way every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single day since I last heard his voice.